Blah blah and more blah

February 18th, 2016

I kinda wish I knew what daily life was like for someone else in my shoes. So because of that I’m sharing my feelings and life more openly than I normally would. Maybe it will help others understand what’s involved and how to prepare themselves in my shoes. Anyboe, just thought I’d throw that out there.

Sitting here going through tons and tons of paperwork. And I love seeing my moms writing and doodles while she talked in the phone. Damn, it’s the little things.

Meanwhile I get to tell Oliver that she died. I thought he was too young and it would just slip through but nope. He doesn’t understand why I am so sad if she’s just at the hospital. I guess hugging him tight and crying is a bad idea. Lesson learned. Slightly too late.

My first bereavement class last night was interesting. The rain sucked and our drive was forever!!! But we made it and wow the flood of emotions. The lady started with a poem and I just wanted to scream for her to stop talking. My heart was racing and I could barely hold back the tears. And I was there for only one minute. Most everyone else had lost their loved on over a year ago so when I said last week they all started gushing tears too. We had so much in common. Like the drive there and seeing city of hope off the freeway. Or small details you can’t get out of your head. Or spending day and night at the hospital. Or waiting for the phone to ring with my morning update before I drove out and nurses shifts changed. Even feeling like you’ve got so much time now (although I don’t if I’d get my butt working on her paperwork). Or seeing all my social workers there and their teary eyes as they hugged me. The same ones who just two weeks ago were there with my mom and I. We made memory pillows and walked the rose gardens. And now they were hugging me. Hugs are what being all my tears out. I’m ok until I’m hugged.

Today I drove by her old job as I did all the time. I’d always stop and drop goodies off. If I was early for the sessions if grab Starbucks and surprise her or bagels and donuts. Anything. I miss her.

One week

February 16th, 2016

Last night was a pretty sleepless night. I kept checking the clock all night long. Then I’d be to hot and too cold. The thing is, I should really reconsider moving my room around. From my bed I have to completely sit up to see the time in the clock. Talk about waking up every time. On top of that, because I was up all night I heard every single noise. And I’m getting afraid of the dark too. So I just have woke Clif up 4-5 times just checking things or watching out while I went to the bathroom, lol. I hope he understands. Once everyone awoke I still was pretty emotional. More so than I have been before. Oliver looks at me with the strangest concerned look. I just keep telling him that I miss grandma Roxanne. He hasn’t even asked where she’s been. I think to him she was gone in the hospital so much that he kinda got used to her not being here much. Or maybe he saw a little bit of her decline and just already knows. Not sure but he’s content. He life specialist for Olivia told me I need to ask more specific questions instead so broad and open ended. I’m not sure I agree because then we are planting something in their head that they may have not already been feeling. If I ask if she’s sad she then in turn will think man, maybe I should be sad. Etc. I cried most of the morning, I cleaned the back patio quite a bit too. It’s looking good. I was weeding the back and Al came with Navy to pick up the kids. While talking he just jumped in and helped weed. Relaxing and enjoyable time. It was nice and backyard is looking good.

I still have tons and tons of phone calls to make. For my mom and grandma. But, I just finished ordering an extremely loud phone for my grandma and setting her up with some companion care services starting Friday. While my list is pages and pages long I’m still feeling accomplished.

Damn I miss my mom. It’s still very surreal. Like I don’t even really remember her sick. Only 9 weeks and those 9 weeks included finding out, thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, an impromptu wedding, and a lot of hospital visits. It was indeed a whirlwind, and one I’d never like to experience again. But it was with my mom. There are indeed some things that haunt me, but I really try not to think about it.

Grandma is watching

February 13th, 2016

Today is Saturday and its the day Olivia has a bunch of soccer championship games. Usually this day would have been filled with my moms presence so it’s the first day it’s hit me hard. When Olivia scored the first goal of the day I started to gush out tears. I tried not to but couldn’t help it.

At the beginning there were three beetles or birds or something that flew quickly between myself and another guy. Made me wonder if it was her. It wasn’t so noticeable that it was her so probably not. I wore her purple striped shirt though. We won one and lost one. Olivia played her heart out. I’m so proud of her.

It’s been 5 days. 5 days too many. I miss her.


February 13th, 2016

Today is my moms favorite days – soccer days.

Beetles 3
Flood of emotions

Car all fixed
Now plumbing issue
New neighbors will have a brand new baby and a 3 year old
Other neighbors moving in a few months


February 12th, 2016

Learning to cope with others faults. Some comments people make are so not thought out. Today I had to learn that although people don’t know what they are doing and don’t know what to say I’ve got to be ok with it. I let them know at the time that I’ll be changing subjects or I’m not rest for that yet. I wish I didn’t have to and theynjustbeoikdnt say stuff but I’m realizing it’s just a few people and that they never think before they talk. I’ve got to be ok with this. Deep breath. I miss you mom. A ton.

Tonight I went on the absolute best adventure with Navy. We found out the sex of the baby so she could surprise her husband. I gasped so loud. I’m so excited to watch her experience all of this. She will be amazing her third time around. And if she needs help with anything I’m always willing and will answer on the first ring ;) I keep telling her it’s my baby, but of course I’m kidding. Maybe I say it too much – I’ll pull back on some of that. im so proud of them and excited to be another AUNT. This time a REAL AUNT!!! I’m actually married now so it feels real. Maybe that’s why I’m so excited. Navy has shown me how strong I am. She is now my sound voice when my mom used to be. She calms me down. She says everything will be ok. She’s been through this. I’m so thankful for her in my life.

We are at Friday’s and had a wonderful kid free girls night. Brandinwas along to enjoy too. Then guess what…at home I felt horrible and threw it all up. Maybe it was the shrimp coctail I got to celebrate my mom. Anyhow I never throw up but today I did. Ugh.


February 11th, 2016

Today we thought it was ok to send Olivia to school. Come to find out intend a horrible day for her class and substitute which in turn made me decide to keep her home on Friday. She needs to be uplifted not punished for what the rest of her class did wrong. Today I found out that the jiffy live had somehow dropped a hose clamp in my car and rattling around it ruined my radiator. The neighbor was a huge help and fixed it for $430 instead of $750 at the dealer. Then I said my moms car sounded funny and he was flabbergasted he said that’s a new engine no way!! So he opened it up and sure enough bone dry. No oil at all. Three bottles later and both cars are almost good to go. Scary though. Both almost blew up. My luck has got to get better. Or so I think. Tomorrow I find out that the house next to me is having backed up drains too. Sounds like a huge problem is coming in the main line. NOT GOOD!!


February 10th, 2016

The phone calls. The first phone call I got from an outside company that called for her was hard. I stuttered s million times and my friend Joslin was in my cell phone listening. She broke out crying. Having to break the news to someone who is simply calling to speak to her on a happy note is difficult. Then come the million im sorry’s. Today was the day I needed to drive to dab Diego and tell her dad. In person. I got an oil change and we headed down. We made great time and although the kids didn’t feel well they did good. I called Olivia out today for the adventure. We we’re into supposed to be there for an hour or so but didn’t come I home for over 6 hours. Long day. Long and extremely emotional day.

Tuesday, February 9th, 2016

February 9th, 2016

I stayed up all night talking about my life story and childhood. Explaining to my mom that I see the parellels in our life with me now the age she was for many of our travels. I understood her humor in the travel itineraries. On comment that caught my funny bone was when I was six and I had finally gotten to use a special purple umbrella that my dad had purchased and sent to me. And her comment through it all was “I hope she doesn’t spear anyone!” Lol!!!! Then she says all the foreigners in Holland thought I was just so polite and well behaved and then she added in that the other American kids that go through there must have been “complete terrors!” Hahaha!!!! She had a great way with words and I loved reading the stories. Working eith hospice they’ll give you a book and you ALWAYS refer to your book. It tells you the changes they’ll go through and what to expect. Let me tell you…it’s a whole another world. Like you never thought this happens daily but it does. She’s started to use oxygen and that was my indicator to have the kids spend the night at aunties and have Olivia go to school as normal. BEST DECISION EVER. This way my complete attention was in my mom. As I wanted it and it had been for the last week. The only time I left was to sleep in my bed one night – every other I was scrunched between her, her dog, and the hospice nurse watching me sleep. Oh well. Every minute with mom. They’d say Jessica, you need sleep! Take a nap. My answer was always…I can nap next week. I can’t get this time back so up and present is where I’ll be- NO REGRETS. On Super Bowl Sunday she was able to slightly respond with moans and sometimes a smile – like when I told her Noami was coming over. Big smile then. On Sunday many people called and I’d lay the phone near her on speaker and I’d make a few calls I needed to make. Giving friends and family privacy and I didn’t have to hold the phone. My hand was starting to ache. Anyhow so Sunday night our favorite nurse Anthony (from the first two nights home) came by just to visit. We went through photo albums again and talked and talked. We talked about my broken ankle under the merrygoround in third grade, and getting bit by a stray dog in second grade which then led my mom to knocking on a million doors with me in a German neighborhood. All while trying to describe what happened and ask if this dog was theirs. No luck. An entire series of rabies shots is what I got. Then the conversation went to my high school cheer camp story, then moved on to crashing her car and driving it all the way home from LA with a scrunched front. Then over to me getting shot in it a few months later and that whole angle story that saved me. The bullet going right through my tiny hoop earring and into the top of my leg exiting through the inside of my knee. Just some numbness and I was good to go. Anyhow, all of these memories were wonderful when sharing them with Tony. His loud and a noxious laugh makes everyone smile. He was the last nurse to interact with her as she slowly went deeper into a coma. His visits were a god send. So, I hired him again for Monday night – for my sanity and good times, for my mom so we could reminisce all night having fun and for general companionship and LET ME TELL YOU. He made it awesome. He helped me every step of the way. I hope no one else ever has to go through that but if you do, call me. I’ll make sure your memories help your through the storm. I KNOW she’s ok. Which is why IM OK.

They start to tell you as it gets closer and it’s only obvious. I caressed and massaged and ran my fingers through her hair. I talked and talked and talked. I held her in my arms and sang. Sometimes half crying and couldn’t hit the high notes. I didn’t care. I told her everything was ok. I asked her to go to sleep with me and I myself dozed off for a few minutes – about ten minutes before she passed. She is “my sunshine”. There is a “somewhere over the rainbow”. The hospice nurse stepped out with teary eyes during this time as well. She is my everything and always will be. Everything I do will be in her memory and always wondering if that’s what she would want me to do. How can I incorporate her. That’s been my whole life though so nothing will change. We had numerous vacations and outings where grandma Roxanne came along and I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. She’s still HERE.

Once a person passes you get this feeling of – what do I do now? It’s the same feeling you have when you bring your newborn baby home and you look around like okay, now what. Anthony started cleaning the kitchen and I stood around in awe. She was dressed and I visited her one more time. She was gone. Her spirit had left and she was gone. That was the craziest feeling and very awkward but I’m glad I felt it. The body really is just a housing for our spirit. Craziness!!!! This was step one in my over all healing. Her spirit had left.

My sister-in-law came over an hour or so later and I was still numb. Surprisingly uneffected emotionally. I’m not sure I realized what had happened. But then as we sat in her backyard this huge bright and bold monarch butterfly came swooping in from the right and flew right to the toys in the ground in front of us maybe 5 feet away. It flutters and danced around the toy the landed and danced around again. It then flew over to her yellow trumpet tree and came back to the toys dancing even more and landed again. It was here and we knew it. So random that it had to be. Then it up and flew off. Hi mom, I see you. I’m ok because I know you’re ok. This was the second step of my healing. She showed me she’s ok. I’m so happy navy was there or people would think I’m nuts. Later today when okiviancame home we told her. She knew because I had been prepping her every few days and kept her in the loop. I told her about the butterfly and she blurted out that grandma told her her favorite butterfly was the monarch!!!!! We all knew even more so then but there was already no question in my mind. This was just icing on the cake.

The rest of the day just kind of went on in a weird way. She passed at 5:40am. As I sat filling out paperwork at the kitchen table with the hospice nurse-who couldn’t wait to get out of there- he asked me what time she was born. I searched for her birth certificate but none had the time that I could find right away. He explained that many of the deaths that he’s been involved with had always died in the same hour of day they were born – my mom no exception. She was born in the 5am hour my grandma says before I told her the significance. Crazy right??!?! Just one more thing showing me there is life after death and a higher being.

This was the best way my moms final day could have went. I haven’t cried but I think it’s because she’s showed me she’s ok. I’ve had my mourning hysteria in November. I’ve had that. That was about me losing my mom. This day was all about her. How to make her comfortable or how to help her enjoy these last hours with me. I enjoyed them and I hope she did too. I love you mom “to the MOON and back”!!!! Soon it will be litterally. I’ll explain more in that later.

I love you, mom.


February 8th, 2016

Today my best memory was with two of Kelly’s scrumptious vegan cupcakes she brought me and her friend Jade (cool name right? It’s actually Karen but Jade sounds so cool!). Jade was standing in he kitchen and I came up with a great thought to have a small party with mom and our cupcakes. She wasn’t responding to much at this point and every eyebrow raise or smile took tons of effort- you could tell. But when I put some chocolate frosting on the insides of her cheeks and lips I’ll never forget that smile she beamed at me!!!!! They can hear you all the way up until the last breath. I could see her eyebrows raising until the very end. I love her. I love us. It’s always been just her and I. Now it’s just I. I miss her.

Momma happy?

March 5th, 2015

When I give Oliver effection or he does something great I tell him he makes momma happy. This started when we taught him about feelings and facial expressions – sad, mad, happy. He understood them so quickly and I realized that everytime he said happy he smiled. This was awesome for pictures!! Now that he’s gotten a bit older he understands the emotion behind “happy”. He will grab my face and push it so he can kiss my cheek and face then ask “momma happy?”. Awe boy do I love it. He’s such a sensitive and sweet boy. Love him dearly. And Olivia, I can go in and on about how awesome she is. I’ll post all about her soon. 

Oliver: 2 years 5 months

March 2nd, 2015

Today we hit the 5 month mark and boy has Oliver just grown so much this past week! The words flowing from his mouth have multiplied. They aren’t completely understandable but when he strings them all together it’s easy to know exactly what he’s talking about. For instance I hear it daily “tah fends” means Thomas and Friends for his tv show. Or he will come up to me “what doin mama?” 

He’s also shown a lot of interest in using the potty. He definitely isn’t a fan of his diapers when wet or messy and it doesn’t help that we purchased them a size too small. Of course they are uncomfortable! It wasn’t on purpose  though. The pull ups are size 4 but diapers should have been size 5. They were out of the biodegradable pull-ups so I went with diapers again. I’ve even out his little underware on and he can get them down- with a slight struggle. I’ll see how it goes but we’ve got to just stay strong and keep pushing forward.

He sleeps very well but is starting to get sad at naptime. He always wants one of is to lay down. “Mama yay dow” I don’t always but it’s so hard to say no. I just treasure these quiet moments with him and see him getting bigger right before my eyes. So the heck with rules. If I have nothing to do, I lay down and cherish it. If I don’t, he’s ok. He never ever gets out of his bed until we come in his room which is crazy and amazing all wrapped up together. Not sure how j managed that but he’s such a good boy that I wonder how I got so lucky. 

His hair grows like a weed. I made appointments every two months and that is just too far in between. The top gets so straight and long. It’s just like Olivia’s where the top middle is straight. So weird and so annoying. 

He’s starting to completely wear a size 3 in clothes and size 7/8 in shoes. He’s heavy, like whoa. Not sure his weight.

He loves his train tracks, books, dinosaurs, blocks, Olivia’s hula hoop, his ride on and his hotwheels. He really loves his glow worm for bed along with his turtle that projects a ceiling of stars for a night light. Best gift ever from Missy at my babyshower!! The batteries are replaced all the time. 

Since our move we’ve visited the beach so many afternoons that it’s been great! He loves just running and chasing birds. If there is a bird extremely far away you’d better be careful because that’s where he’s heading. He also will run straight into the water with no fear. And he won’t stop. He’s a beach boy!

If you say “park” his ears stick straight up just like a dogs when you say “walk”.  Clif brings him to the field when Olivia has soccer practice and he runs non stop. They have fun and he loves to be outside.

He has been vegan with me now for almost two months and is doing great. I make breakfast and gather lunch and snacks for him before bringing him to my grandmas so he’s all set. She will slip him a cracker or two but doesn realize what she’s doing so I don’t say anything.  He loves fruits and veggies. He will drink water until the ocean is gone but if I’m at the bagel shop I had better grab him a fresh orange juice. In fact he knows the parking lots or streets to get there because he will ask for a bagel as we get closer. I’m a little addicted. He gets very frustrated waiting for food to best up or cool down. We are working on this. As long as he is helping and can see the process he is usually good. Or if you hand him a snack while waiting. We love the carrots from our farm fresh box so usually that’s the snack of choice. Both him and Olivia are loving salads too. Of course bread, rice, pasta and potatoes have been a staple lately but I’m working on weaning them down and adding in more veggies. 

During bath time he likes to lay down on his back and have the water cover his ears. He really is a creature of schedule. After his bath he needs to have his shark robe on and to help you with putting lotion on him. He hates having his hair sprayed with water when getting ready and gets upset. He likes having his ears cleaned and nails cut and lays down on my lap all ready to go when it’s time. 

I’ll update some back days and more often as we move forward. I can’t believe my baby boy is almost 2.5!!!!

24 months

September 1st, 2014

As we pass our 24 month milestone I can tell you that he does more and more everyday! He is stringing words together. He can count to 11 and only has issues with “7″. He knows a bunch of random words and can tell you what many animal sounds are. He walks around saying mama and dada non stop. Non stop!!! Even if he doesn’t need anything. He is still on a bottle and weaning onto almond milk currently. He has started getting a bottle at 5:30am and we are working on eliminating it.

He loves routine. When Clif brings him outside he has to open the garage first. If not, there is usually a meltdown. And when he comes inside he has to close it. It’s just the way it’s got to go. After anything good he says yay!!!! And claps.

Somehow he says bless you, thank you, please, I’ll get it, ready set go, night night, ok, pebbles, Olivia, grandma, upstairs, downstairs, avocado, oh man so much more.

He keeps us ok our toes and definitely knows what he wants. I wouldn’t have it any other way :)

Maya spends the night

August 31st, 2014

Tonight Olivia had a friend from school spending the night and she’s been counting down the hours until she arrives. She hops up every ten minutes hoping it had been an hour. Silly kid. I wonder if gma he understands this is why I usually don’t fill her in on this privy information. So she doesn’t drive herself crazy. :)


August 30th, 2014

Tonight Oliver took a nose dive into the concrete while chasing his coupe down the driveway. It went in slow motion and when he hopped up there was definite road rash. Eyebrow, eyelid and under his eye too. I’m sure it’s the first of many but I hope it’s gone by birthday time!!

First day of school: 4th grade

August 27th, 2014

Today Olivia starts school and is happy to be on the big playground!! I remember having a kindergartener and thinking that the 3rd and 4th graders were so mature and so much older. It’s surreal to know we are there now. She still seems so innocent and I love watching her maneuver through the school seeing her friends.

Today was the first time we were joined by Clif on the first day of school! He enjoyed it and I did too.

Bring it on 4th grade!

Posting party

August 26th, 2014

Tonight we had Olivia’s posting party where everyone meets at the school and sees the teachers listed. They get to see their friends and talk for a bit before school actually starts tomorrow. It’s nice to catch up with the parents as well. This year we are excited with our teacher and know it will be a good year :)

We also ventured to Spin pizza for the first time to meet her school friend . It was yummy!!!! Looks like they’ve got a new customer :)

Da-da & Ma-ma

August 14th, 2014

Starting yesterday the words mama and dada have been flying all over the place! He also says bye and waves whenever he sees someone about to leave or he is leaving. He gives people “big hugs” when asked and he has just grown an affectionate bone on his body. One that’s never been there before. Usually when I ask to kiss him he have me his cheek. Now he gave me his lips!!! He also did the same for Olivia!!!

I love this 22 month old Oliver!!

Almond milk. Yum yum

August 7th, 2014

It’s getting close to the time where we will pull him away from the toddler formula and introduce milk. Cows milk has so much sugar and is not good for a human body so we are going with the nutrient packed almond milk! We’ve been introducing around our house as well so I hope this change over is quick. He’s pretty attached to his bottles so we shall see…


August 6th, 2014

Just a few days ago we started letting Oliver play in the iPad. I’m trying to not have electronics run my house but there are definitely some learning apps that I don’t mind a little of. We had a counting app I got awhile ago but never really showed him how to play. He had issues only touching what he wanted with his finger. Instead he would drag his other knuckles across the screen and it would never do what he wanted.

Until now. He has loves this app the past few days!! This brings me to my reason for this explanation. I started counting while playing with him and when I got to 3 he said fo, fih… Four and five!!! Wow!! Sooooo cool! I was floored. Love watching these small milestones, especially when we haven’t been working on it.

22 months has started with a BANG!!

Sisters gone for the day

July 19th, 2014

Whenever Olivia is gone both Pebbles and Oliver look baffled. Like where is she and when will she be back. Pebbles sits at the rope of the stairs just waiting for her to come home. Oliver on the other hand will go to her bed and climb on top. Over and over. He loves being able to get on her bed!

Come home soon sissy!!